Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
This dude got his own movie?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation