An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
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Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow