An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
This made me chuckle.
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.