“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
is it earth
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]