My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.