I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”