It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
This hospital has everything
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles