My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
When someone says you are so lazy
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”