my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?