I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.