KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You Might Also Like
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
#StillHurts
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”