With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[eulogy]
line?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.