With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING