With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The Birdles
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.