I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
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wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
We’ve all been there…
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I put the hot in psychotic.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )