If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.