If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.