If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home