*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
This is the one
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan