One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
inside you are two wolves
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Extremely relatable.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.