When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I never know how much to tip a cow.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Finally!
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No