discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.