How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
car not found
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Finally! 😈
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir