if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*