“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?