The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan