Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*