[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*