Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.