Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
You Might Also Like
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more