When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
reminder