Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.