People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.