You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Breaking news:
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Thursday
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.