Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?