@abbycohenwl

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

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@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@catstronomical

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

@jakelikesnaps

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@daemonic3

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?