I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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incredible text to wake up to
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.