Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
A ghost story
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!