Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
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Not my job 😂
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.