I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
The Sun
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
With this onion ring, I thee fed