Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah