Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.