shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”