1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
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HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct