Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Damn he played himself

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me