@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

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@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@JohnLyonTweets

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

@bigmacher

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

@fillthevacuum

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@squirrel74wkgn

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

@mommajessiec

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

@FoxyWinePocket

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…