It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…