[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My kitchen overserved me.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?