We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.