Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along