My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
United Steaks of America
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”