Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.