Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Beauty and the Beast
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healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.