It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.