I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
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Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Seek kebab; not attention
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I think this should do it.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.