I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
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