Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.