Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.